IF | A Novel Page 14

  “I’m not scared of your demons,” I whisper across his lips.

  “You should be. This has gone way past simple.”

  “Simple or not, being with you, like this, makes me happy.”

  Lincoln rolls us over so that I’m underneath him, bracing himself on his forearms above me so he won’t crush me as he stares down into my eyes. His tight expression is guarded and yet, at the same time, dominant as he searches my gaze and licks his lips.

  “I was so worried about protecting your heart, I didn’t realize mine was in danger.”

  21

  I’ve stopped trying to figure out what Lincoln and I are. The little bit of information he shared with me a few weeks ago soothed the desire to know more about him, and things are no longer always so tense between us. We’re finally having fun. Every once in a while, we even go out in between doing exactly what we agreed to do in the beginning of all this—have sex. Lots and lots of sex. Exclusively—a new rule we agreed to.

  For now, we’re both just taking what we can get and giving only what we want to.

  No consequences.

  Or talk of the future.

  We’re in his bed tonight. Just lying with one another, asking each other personal questions, and I love it so much. More so than any other day we’ve ever spent together.

  My gaze falls onto his arm. Even though we’re trying to keep things casual, Lincoln insisted on getting a tattoo. Something to remember our time together, he said. No matter how many times I tried to talk him out of it, he’s got my name etched in an infinity design.

  That way, we’ll always be connected.

  It’s cheesy.

  And so damn beautiful.

  “How was practice today?” I ask.

  Lincoln’s baseball coach lined up an assistant athletic training job for him after graduation, which is only a month away, with a major league baseball team. It’s an impressive three-year contract. They overlooked the fact that he has six months left of his probation when they met him and learned he was graduating with honors and more than the required training hours. Ever since, he’s been a lot more relaxed and easygoing.

  “Insane. I can’t believe how much of a learning curve there is. But I love it. Plus, I get to travel all over and still be part of the game I love. So there’s that,” he replies.

  He looks up at me with a peaceful expression as his eyes roam over my face.

  “Any word from any of the design firms you applied to?”

  “Not yet,” I lie, as his fingers slide across my lips, trailing down my neck.

  His eyes follow his fingers as they toy with the collar on my T-shirt, teasing me in a playful, relaxed manner. “Have you and Kennison decided to renew your lease?”

  I gasp a little when his finger caresses the skin on my neck. “Not yet.”

  “I’m going to miss you living across the hall from where I live,” he whispers.

  The team is putting him up in an apartment in the city, closer to the ball field and a hospital where he’s going to have to continue to work on his first aid and medical training.

  I try to contain it, but his words cause me to frown. In just a few weeks, this will be all over and we’ll disappear from each other’s lives. He notices the change in me.

  I hold my breath. I know he’s going to remind me that this was all we were meant to be. That we can’t be more than this. But I don’t want him to. Not tonight. Tonight, I want more. Of him. Of us. His eyes dart to my mouth, then back up to my eyes again.

  I see the flash of fear behind the gray.

  The uncertainty.

  His fingers have stilled on my collar.

  Lincoln sits up on his knees and I do the same. He slides his palms over my cheeks, cupping my face at the same moment his lips connect with mine in a deep kiss.

  It’s dominating. Full of something that’s never been there before, something more.

  I grab his shirt and pull him to me, closer, knowing something between us has changed. I want all of him, everywhere. There’s not a part of me that I don’t want him to own. I get lost in our consuming kiss that blurs the lines of where I end and he begins.

  Warm fingers dig into the flesh of my waist under the cotton material of my shirt. I want him to throw me down on the bed and brand every inch of my body, making me his.

  Unhurried, he leans away, putting a sliver of space between us. Painfully slowly, he pulls my shirt over my head, his gaze following the material with appreciation. Tossing it aside, his warm hands return to my body, his palms curling over my hips, sliding up my sides and my lower back. They keep moving up, edging to the clasp of my bra. In one quick flick, he undoes the clasp and slides the straps over my shoulders and down my arms with a sigh.

  “You’re so fucking beautiful, Em.” His voice sounds pained.

  With his right hand, he reaches behind his neck and yanks off his shirt.

  I stroke his stubbled jaw. “So are you.”

  His lips touch mine again, soft and pleading, and his fingers undo the button of my jeans as I unbutton his. His mouth slips down across my throat, and his teeth nip a trail before kissing each quick bite. After a second, he pushes me gently onto my back and makes quick work of removing the rest of our clothes and rolling on a condom.

  As soon as he’s back over me, he pushes inside me without giving me a second to prepare. He stills, hovering above me with his hair falling into his eyes, staring at me.

  Our lips don’t touch as our breaths mingle and our eyes hold each other’s. My hands cup his face as he slowly moves in me, never fully pulling out. With every thrust, his eyes stay on mine. My heart beats in perfect time with his as we get lost in each other.

  This feels so different than all the other times we’ve done this—more intense.

  “I like you, Em,” he whispers hoarsely.

  “I like you too, Lincoln,” I breathe.

  Faint sighs and throaty moans drift from my lips in response to his rhythm. I want to give him everything. To take everything. To stay in this moment forever. He lowers his hand between us, placing pressure against me in a way that has me almost blacking out, while at the same time he shifts angles, entering me deeper, slower with each thrust, taking his time.

  “Oh, my god,” I moan.

  As I begin to shudder, he kisses me deeply as he thrusts and stills deep inside of me, holding me firmly against the bed with his weight. My body clenches around the length of him as above me, tremors rack his body, and we both fall into pure ecstasy, together.

  22

  Lincoln kisses me harder as I try to get the door open. I’ve been trying to leave since last night, with no success. We spent the entire night lost in our own world. Turns out, we’re good at making our level of crazy make sense when sex is involved.

  “I have to go,” I whisper against his mouth, trying to pull away.

  “Come over later?” He finally releases me.

  “I nod and bite my bottom lip, smiling up at him. “Just for a little while.”

  We’re still staring at each other like giddy teenagers when he opens the door and I slip out, across the hallway and back into my apartment. It only takes a quick second before I realize I’d been so distracted by his lips, I left my phone in his kitchen.

  “Damn it.” I head back over, because I need it for the day.

  I knock, but no one answers. I test the door knob and realize it’s not locked, so I open it, slip inside, and quickly head into the kitchen. I make quick work of grabbing my phone and turn to slip out undetected, but I hear Josh and Lincoln arguing in another room.

  Hearing my name, I decide to stay and listen, even though I shouldn’t.

  “How much longer are you going to let this go on with Emerson?” Josh asks.

  “I don’t know,” Lincoln growls.

  “Graduation is in a few weeks.”

  “I know.”

  “Are you planning to continue seeing her after?”

  “Since when is any of this your busine
ss, Josh?”

  “She’s a nice girl, Daniels.”

  “And?”

  “And she deserves more than what you are doing with her.”

  “Emerson is a grown woman. She can make her own decisions,” Lincoln says.

  “Do you even love her?” Josh asks point blank.

  Silence.

  Slowly I back away toward the door. Lincoln and I had been in such a good place this morning, and this conversation is wrecking it. I shouldn’t have listened. I need to leave and pretend this never happened. We’re doing fine. I don’t want anything to change that.

  “No,” Lincoln states after a long pause, and I stop moving.

  No.

  I should have expected his answer. Still, hearing him say it out loud hurts.

  “You’re an asshole,” Josh bites out.

  “I never claimed to be anything but,” Lincoln snaps out.

  A second later, Lincoln steps into the living room. Every instinct in me suggests I duck and run for cover. I don’t. Instead, I look into his terrified gaze. His eyes widen in surprise before turning apologetic and filling with regret. My heart pounds in my ears.

  I hold up my phone in an explanation of why I am standing in his apartment without an invite. “I left it here. I knocked; you didn’t answer,” I say flatly.

  Lincoln stares at me like I am foreign to him; reality and sadness crash down on me.

  “I’m sorry, Em.” Lincoln takes a step toward me, but I hold my hand up, stopping him.

  “For what, exactly?”

  “For what I’m sure you overheard.”

  “Did you mean it?”

  “He had no right to ask me. I didn’t want to lie to him.”

  I blink rapidly, fighting back tears of anger and hurt. “You’ve been nothing but honest about what you wanted from the start.” My tone is low. “Haven’t you?” I challenge.

  “I just—”

  “Don’t,” I exhale. “You didn’t want to lie to Josh, so don’t do it to me.”

  I back away toward the door, holding his gaze. This was all a mistake.

  He stares at me. “Em.” He swallows, his eyes darkening. “Wait a second.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Em—”

  “I can’t do this anymore. We need to stop.”

  “No, we don’t.”

  “I can’t pretend I don’t have feelings for you,” I blurt out.

  That stops him. His entire body becomes rigid and his expression tight.

  “Fair enough,” he replies coolly.

  I nod and leave.

  Lincoln doesn’t stop me.

  He lets me go.

  I cross my arms, staring out the glass doors of my building, mentally bracing myself for the rain. I have to get to the campus center in order to grab my graduation cap and gown for this weekend. The minute I step into the heavy rain, I regret not having grabbed my umbrella. In a hurry, I take a few steps through the empty parking lot and get soaked.

  I’m halfway to my car, considering going back and just doing this tomorrow instead, when I see Lincoln, leaning against the my driver’s side door. What the hell is he doing here? After finals, he started traveling with his new job. I can’t say it was unexpected. The distance it offered came as a relief. I’d finally managed to breathe again. Until tonight.

  I stare straight at him. Droplets of rain run down my face and his. The parking lot’s dim lights cast him in a soft glow. I notice his white T-shirt is soaked through, as are his jeans and heavy black boots. Clenching my teeth, I study the expression on his face.

  Dark circles are etched under his eyes, as if he hasn’t slept in days. Every sharp line of his face seems wired, on edge. His eyes meet mine, and suddenly, I feel vulnerable and weak. I squeeze my eyes tightly and take in a deep breath to calm myself and get control of my emotions. When I slide them open, Lincoln is watching me, eerily calm.

  I take my time approaching him. Something feels off. Different.

  The rain falls around us in a merciless assault as I stop in front of him.

  “Why are you here, Lincoln?”

  “I don’t know.” The uncertainty in his voice cuts through me like a knife.

  I sigh. One of has to be the stronger person here. Guess it’s me.

  “Just let me go.” My voice is flat.

  Fury flashes in his eyes. “I can’t. I tried.”

  Numb, I just stand in the rain, letting it soak me, chill me to my bones.

  “We both knew this was always meant to end. So let it,” I plead.

  “You don’t just fall out of lo—” he starts, then stops.

  My stomach twists. “Fall out of what?”

  Something changes in his expression. The look on his face is one I’ve never seen before. Like he’s about to tell me something I don’t want to hear. Something that will hurt me. In one move, he lunges for me, cupping my face in his hands and looks deep into my eyes, as if he’s trying to brace me for something.

  Dread grips me as I stare at him.

  “On the flight home, I got to thinking,” he whispers.

  “About?”

  “You.”

  I remain silent, terrified of his words. I used to live and breathe for his words. Now, they cause a deep fear within me. As if each one is a tiny bomb, ready to blow up my world.

  “I kept thinking, what if, this thing between us turned into more?”

  The word more slays me, because I know it doesn’t mean love. It just means he’s afraid of losing me. It’s as if everything he’s made me feel all this time hits me all at once and ignites an angry fire within me. The sincerity in his voice is too much for me to handle.

  I pull my face away and shake my head no. “I can’t do this anymore.”

  I try to step around him, but he grips my upper arms and twists us, pushing me back against the wet car. I still under his hold as the rain jumps off the metal roof behind me.

  “Don’t walk away, please.” His voice is timid.

  His fingers tighten around my arm—so much so, I can feel the hurt in his heart.

  We stand quietly in the rain. After a second, Lincoln takes a step away from me.

  “This was supposed to be uncomplicated,” I remind him.

  “We were never not complicated, Em.” His tone sounds bitter. “Since the moment we met, everything about us has been nothing but fucking complicated.”

  His words bring more tears to my eyes, because I know they’re true. They mix in with the rain, washing away as Lincoln releases me and take a few steps, giving me space.

  “What do you want from me, Lincoln?” I whisper.

  “Honestly, I don’t know,” he says flatly, barely catching his breath.

  I exhale at his indecisiveness.

  “What if—”

  I shake my head, cutting him off. “I can’t live in our world of ifs anymore.”

  The rain is coming down in sheets now. Holding my eyes, he walks backwards, taking a few steps away from me, and even as close as he is, I can barely make out his silhouette.

  Watching him disappear in the rain breaks something inside me, and I panic. I take a step toward him. He clenches his jaw and shakes his head no, taking another step away.

  Emotions flood through me—hate, guilt, grief . . . love.

  My heart aches with so many emotions, I can barely keep track of all of them.

  Everything we’ve ever been through replays in my mind and at the end of it, the last memory is of him kissing me. I don’t want to be done. I want him to know that I love him.

  With one final sad smile, he turns.

  Just before he disappears in the rain completely, I rush after him.

  “Wait,” I shout.

  Lincoln stops and faces me.

  I take a step toward him, holding his gaze. “I lo—”

  A sharp white light from the side blinds me, interrupting me.

  It takes me a second to realize what it is and when I do, I panic and fly at him, shoving him o
ut of the way. Tires screech loudly at the same time sharp pains rack my body.

  Everything suddenly falls silent around me, except for the lulling sound of the rain and Lincoln screaming out my name, just before everything goes black.

  23

  The hospital bed creaks and moans underneath me as I shift. An ache in my left side quickly makes itself known, stealing the breath from my lungs. I wince as a sharp pain shoots down my body. A second later, relief rushes through my veins, ending the pain.

  “There,” the nurse says. “The morphine should help take the edge off.”

  “Thanks,” I manage, and look around the stark hospital room.

  “Where is she?” Kennison’s demanding, high-pitched voice shrieks outside the door before she storms in and makes a beeline straight for me. “Holy shit, Em. Are you okay? Lincoln left me a message that you were . . . hit. By. A. Car,” she emphasizes each word.

  I rub at my head. “Who are you?”

  “OH MY GOD!” She pins the nurse with a hard glare. “She has no memory?”

  The nurse frowns and shakes her head at me. “She’s fine. Just a bruised rib, a few scratches, and a sprained wrist. We’re only keeping her for another hour for observation.”

  Kennison’s narrow stare meets mine. “Who am I?” Her tone is annoyed.

  “Hi Kenz,” I smile up at her.

  “You’re lucky you almost died. I swear to god, Em.”

  Once the nurse finishes checking my vitals, she slides out the room.

  Kennison sits on the bed beside me. “Seriously, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. Sore, but the drugs are helping.”

  “When I got Lincoln’s message, my heart stopped.”

  “Where is he?”

  “The ER. They’re putting stiches on a gash above his eye. Josh is with him.”

  “But he’s okay?”

  “He’s fine. He was giving his statement to the police officer when they finally told me what room you were in and how to get up here so that I could see you.”

  My eyes widen. “Police officer?”

  “The guy who hit you had been drinking. With the rain, he didn’t see you guys standing there. You’re lucky. When you pushed Lincoln, he rolled you under him, protecting you. Then he managed to get you guys out of the way before he ran over you.”